Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!


Overheard in the bath:
"You've got a bottom!"
"That's not a bottom, that's a penis."
"No, you've not got peanuts!"

Edible rain

Our toddler was quietly playing in the lounge and I was watching her. She was using cotton reels as people, upside-down plastic bowls as umbrellas, and she was making it rain on them. She was having a great time.
The problem? She was using a cookie as rain - crumbling it up in her hands and sprinkling crumbs all over her cotton reel people!

Poos don't wait

Many years ago when I was working retail I was serving a lady who had her young son with her. Her son pipes up and says "Mummy, I really need to go to the toilet" to which his mum replies "can you wait? I'm really busy at the moment." The response from her son "I can hold on mummy, but I don't think my poos can".

Scratchy scratch

Miss 3 has been going on about her clothes being "scratchy" for so long we have got to the point of ignoring any complaints about scratchiness, since nothing fixes her perceived problems.
However, yesterday she was complaining that her foot was scratchy and she wasn't wearing shoes or socks. On closer examination, we found the cause of the scratchiness. It was ... wait for it ... a scratch. Easy fixed with a band-aid.

Tree math

Miss 10 didn't notice one of our trees had been cut down, so we sent her outside to look.
When she came back in, she said "all I see is maths! Maths maths maths maths maths!"
*blank stare from us*
"You know, maths. Fractions. The tree is in pieces. Maths!"

Fin coat

Small child in bath, acting out the plastic dolphin: "I've got hiccups. Its cold in the water. Its freezing. Good thing I have my fin coat on. I love my fin coat. It keeps me nice and warm."

Poop in the water

Miss 3 has decided she doesn't like tap water, especially not when there is orange juice in the house.
Miss 3: "I don't wuv this water"
Me: "why not?"
Miss 3: "Little brother pooped in it. He weally weally needs to poop and he couldn't find the toilet, all he could find is my bottle, so he taked the wid off and he pooped in it."
This translates loosely to "I want some orange juice"
What can you say to that?

I win!

Miss 3 was counting to herself.
"One two fee! I'm fee years old! My little brother is one year old! I win!"
Never knew getting older was a race.

Driving by itself

Today Miss 3 tells me "Last night, when I was in bed, I was dreaming that the car was driving by itself."
She wouldn't tell me where the car drove itself to.

Sea sheep

Miss 3 was playing in the bath with a plastic sheep. I told her "sheep don't like water". So she informed me in all seriousness that it was a sea sheep, and it loves the water.