Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Spotty face

Miss 10 is developing a nasty case of clogged pores all over her face and I have been nagging her to wash her face daily for weeks. Today she noticed her little sister has spotty nappy rash.
Miss 10: She's got more spots on her bottom than I've got on my face!
Me: Yes, but people look at your face more than your bottom.
Miss 10: Except when you're at a strip club
Me: Well, yes .... wait, how do you know about strip clubs?
Miss 10: Gabe told me.
Every time she comes home with some sex-related tidbit, it's always Gabe, a boy in her class. The most worrying thing is, where is Gabe getting it all from?

Big chickens

My cousins from Europe visited Australia with their 3 year old daughter. I took them to see the emus and kangaroos at a national park. Upon sighting the emus the 3 year old screams out "look how big the chickens are in Australia"

Wet the bed

I was minding miss-three-from-next-door. I told her we were changing the sheets and she looked at me sympathetically and said "why, did you wet the bed"!!

Sausage sunscreen

I caught the toddler rubbing herself all over with a half eaten sausage.
When I told her not to do that, she told me "is not sausage, is sunscreen!" and went right back to rubbing.

Cold bread

I was about to make myself some toast from some frozen bread and I must have got sidetracked somewhere between getting the bread out of the freezer and putting it in the toaster.
I turned around when I heard a little voice say "I need to eat the cold bread" just in time to spot a small figure disappearing off with my untoasted breakfast.


Our toddler spotted a bruise on my leg.
"You've got a bruise! You need to take the bruise out. You need the tweezers!"


Grandson: "Grandma, my penis is standing up. And it feels good!"
Grandma: "thats nice dear.. tell your mom all about it when you get home"


Mom: "How do I look in this dress I just bought?"
5yo daughter: "Like a tramp"
*stunned silence*
5yo daughter: "What, grandma says it all the time"

Talking from the next room

Loud voice hollering from her bedroom, two rooms away ... "MUUUUUUUUUM there's no music coming out of my radio". Doesn't come in here to even see if I'm inside the house or not. So I ignored her completely.
Within 30 seconds, the toddler comes into the study, looks me in the eye (something her older sister rarely does) and announces "Mum. No moosic. Radio gone". So of course I went in there to fix it.
Turns out someone had turned the volume down.


My toddler calls millipedes nanopedes.
It sounds like some kind of fancy new multi-legged robot.