Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!


I was renovating the bathroom.
Miss 3 asks me "what's that?"
I reply "that's a tube of silicon".
Miss 3 excitedly replies "dat's a tube of skeletons!"


Miss 3 was in the bath.
She announced "I not Cassandra. I a Cassiefish!" with a huge grin on her face.

What privacy?

I was sitting on the toilet, in an attempt to preserve a modicum of decency and privacy. Anyone with a small child would realise how futile this is.
So we had this discussion:
Me: I'm trying to go the toilet here.
Miss 3: I look at you!
Me: Why do you need to look at me wee?
Miss 3: I not look at you wee. I look at your boobies!
I'm breastfeeding her little brother at the moment, and apparently my boobies are one of the most interesting things in the house.

It doesn't mean that!

Small girl to mother, whilst on board an old sailing ship: "Why is it called the poop deck?"

Poor cat

Last night Miss 3 comes in to tell me "the pupuss is sleeping on Aisha's bed".
5 minutes later she comes in and says "the pupuss is sleeping on your bed now". I asked her "did you annoy the cat and make her move?"
Miss 3 replied in a very serious voice "Yes. I throwed a shoe at her."

Spotty face

Miss 10 is developing a nasty case of clogged pores all over her face and I have been nagging her to wash her face daily for weeks. Today she noticed her little sister has spotty nappy rash.
Miss 10: She's got more spots on her bottom than I've got on my face!
Me: Yes, but people look at your face more than your bottom.
Miss 10: Except when you're at a strip club
Me: Well, yes .... wait, how do you know about strip clubs?
Miss 10: Gabe told me.
Every time she comes home with some sex-related tidbit, it's always Gabe, a boy in her class. The most worrying thing is, where is Gabe getting it all from?

Big chickens

My cousins from Europe visited Australia with their 3 year old daughter. I took them to see the emus and kangaroos at a national park. Upon sighting the emus the 3 year old screams out "look how big the chickens are in Australia"

Wet the bed

I was minding miss-three-from-next-door. I told her we were changing the sheets and she looked at me sympathetically and said "why, did you wet the bed"!!

Sausage sunscreen

I caught the toddler rubbing herself all over with a half eaten sausage.
When I told her not to do that, she told me "is not sausage, is sunscreen!" and went right back to rubbing.

Cold bread

I was about to make myself some toast from some frozen bread and I must have got sidetracked somewhere between getting the bread out of the freezer and putting it in the toaster.
I turned around when I heard a little voice say "I need to eat the cold bread" just in time to spot a small figure disappearing off with my untoasted breakfast.