Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Panda percentages

My daughter was telling me about her class and the pandas at the zoo, Wang Wang and Funi.
Her: "EVERYONE is going to see Wang Wang and Funi"
Me: "Everyone?"
Her: "Yeah, like 51% of the class is going"
Me: "That's not everyone"
Her: "Well 80% of the class has already seen them"

Thinking ahead

I woke my daughter up on her first day of grade two. She opened her eyes, stretched and yawned and exclaimed "Next year I’m in grade three!".

Trouser snakes

My 9 year old daughter had been banned from playing her DS for a week, and as there were only "baby shows" on TV which her sisters were watching, and all of her books were "boring Mum", I asked her what she would be interested in researching if I gave her a project to do. She chose snakes. I dutifully wrote her some questions, and she went away and worked on it for a good hour, during which time I finished up everything I was doing and had taken off to the supermarket to pick up some stuff for dinner. Anyway, as I walked through the door she raced up to me excitedly and presented me with her project, all questions answered in paragraph form and illustrated beautifully. She's bursting with excitement; "Quick Mummy, mark it for me" (I'm a teacher)
I didn't get past the first line before I nearly stopped breathing:
Question 1. What is the most venomous snake in the world?
Answer: The most venomous snake in the world is the Trouser Snake. It is found all over the world and lives in trousers.

Not in this house

One day I decided to give my kids some sex education (my wife was too chicken) Our daughter was 8 and our son was 6. I was going quite well, but then I mentioned mum and dad had sex sometimes, not to have children, but for enjoyment. My daughter replied "What ... in *this* house?" She stormed off into her bedroom, packed her school case, and wanted to leave home ! I followed her around the block, and talked her into returning home after she cooled off. Our son was more concerned about his sister. "Is she coming home dad?" The next day, everything returned to normal. Overall, I figured it was pretty painless ...

Old eyes

Discussing physical characteristics, hair and eye colour with my three year old.
"What colour are your eyes?"
"Hazel"
"What colour are mummy's eyes?"
"Blue", etc through the family.
Then, "What colour are Grandma's eyes?"
"Old!"

Imaginary bigger

Four years ago. My daughter 2.5 and son 4.5yo. Morning, me and the kids are playing birthday party. We are having lots of singing and blowing fake candles on a fake birthday cake. At the end I pretend cutting the cake and putting on my kids plates imaginary pieces. My son (always jealous that his sister has everything better that him) is saying to my daughter: "oh, you have got a bigger piece, let's swap the plates"

Nutrigrain

My 3yo wanted nutri-grain for breakfast – which isn't the easiest word for a 3yo to say. He was saying some word I could not for the life of me work out so I asked him what does it look like.
He said it was the colour of nanna's dog with 3 holes in it. I immediately knew what he meant!

Marriage and divorce

My daughter was trying to get me to get married.
"If you get married, you need to get the divorce as well. If I got married, I'd get the divorce just before I died so he doesn't have to worry about me."

Mouse friends

Our cat brings in mice to play with before she eats them on a fairly regular basis. Last night we were all sitting in the hallway watching the cat, and the mouse ran away from the cat and hid next to our toddler.
Toddler declares the mouse to be her "friend", and after the cat ate the mouse she went around looking for her "mouse friend".

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