Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Beat an egg

My 6 year old was being cocky and back-chatty the other day and i jokingly said if he didn't quit the back chatting i would beat him. He turned to look at me, looked me up and down and with a withering stare said "pah, you couldn't beat an egg" - i couldn't pick him up on his blatant continuation of back-chat cos i was giggling too much.

Lost your leg

My daughter also once asked me when she saw a disabled man without a leg, if he had lost his leg. Then she asked me why didn't he buy a new one?

Too many sweets

Kids do really embarrassing things, my nicee was at the cinema when she realised the woman sitting next to us was super obese and having 2 drinks and a mega pack of sweets. She then said "that lady is really fat, maybe she has too many sweets?"


Our toddler has recently lost the word 'cat' from her vocabulary and substituted it with 'carrot'. So every morning, she gets up, goes to our cat sleeping on the couch, and says "good morning pussycarrot".

Good girl

I changed my daughter's nappy after a long drive and told her "you wear nappies when we go out and use the potty at home". She replied "Yeah! I a good girl now!"
So cute!

Panda percentages

My daughter was telling me about her class and the pandas at the zoo, Wang Wang and Funi.
Her: "EVERYONE is going to see Wang Wang and Funi"
Me: "Everyone?"
Her: "Yeah, like 51% of the class is going"
Me: "That's not everyone"
Her: "Well 80% of the class has already seen them"

Thinking ahead

I woke my daughter up on her first day of grade two. She opened her eyes, stretched and yawned and exclaimed "Next year I’m in grade three!".

Trouser snakes

My 9 year old daughter had been banned from playing her DS for a week, and as there were only "baby shows" on TV which her sisters were watching, and all of her books were "boring Mum", I asked her what she would be interested in researching if I gave her a project to do. She chose snakes. I dutifully wrote her some questions, and she went away and worked on it for a good hour, during which time I finished up everything I was doing and had taken off to the supermarket to pick up some stuff for dinner. Anyway, as I walked through the door she raced up to me excitedly and presented me with her project, all questions answered in paragraph form and illustrated beautifully. She's bursting with excitement; "Quick Mummy, mark it for me" (I'm a teacher)
I didn't get past the first line before I nearly stopped breathing:
Question 1. What is the most venomous snake in the world?
Answer: The most venomous snake in the world is the Trouser Snake. It is found all over the world and lives in trousers.

Not in this house

One day I decided to give my kids some sex education (my wife was too chicken) Our daughter was 8 and our son was 6. I was going quite well, but then I mentioned mum and dad had sex sometimes, not to have children, but for enjoyment. My daughter replied "What ... in *this* house?" She stormed off into her bedroom, packed her school case, and wanted to leave home ! I followed her around the block, and talked her into returning home after she cooled off. Our son was more concerned about his sister. "Is she coming home dad?" The next day, everything returned to normal. Overall, I figured it was pretty painless ...

Old eyes

Discussing physical characteristics, hair and eye colour with my three year old.
"What colour are your eyes?"
"What colour are mummy's eyes?"
"Blue", etc through the family.
Then, "What colour are Grandma's eyes?"