Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Not this week

My brother came to visit my sister and me. He was talking to my nephew who is seven about school. His dad said "Yeah, Jack's gotten terrific kid twice this year." My brother said "Oh, great Jack! Are you a terrific kid?" Jack rolled his eyes and said "Um.... nope, not this week."

Dangerous tiles

My son yelled at me today because apparently the lines between our kitchen floor tiles have morphed into laser beams and I was in grave danger because I was stepping on them.

Velociraptors

Me: "What animals are you looking for?
Her: "Verociraptors."
Me: "uh...what?"
Her (impatient): "Verociraptors!"
Me: "Okay, let's go find some Velociraptors then..."
Her: "You don't find them, they find you."

Timeout

"NO! NO! NO! I DON'T WANT A TIMEOUT! THERE'S NO REASON FOR A TIMEOUT!"
Me: "Why are you in timeout?"
Him: *instantly* "For screaming, jumping, not listening, and arguing."
Me: "Sounds like there was a reason then."
Him: "NO I DON'T WANT TIMEOUT THERE'S NO REASON FOR TIMEOUT I DON'T KNOW HOW AND I DON'T WANT A TIMEOUT!"

Garlic

My daughter, prodding some garlic that had escaped from the garlic roasted chicken on her plate:
"What's this white stuff? Its definitely not garlic. I don't even know what garlic tastes like."

Table manners

On Saturday we were having lunch at home and our daughter was eating food with her fingers when she ought to have been using her fork. My husband reminded her to use her fork, keep her napkin in her lap, sit up, etc. etc. (we go through this at every meal). She grudgingly did as she was told, but after a brief silence, piped up and said, "you know, well-behaved women rarely make history."
I nearly fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.
When we recovered, we told her that phrase unfortunately doesn't apply to table manners.

Just a minute

I recently called my girlfriend and her 3 and a half year old daughter answered the phone.
"Hi Sweetie, it's Susan, can I talk to your mommy?"
"In a minute, she's pooping right now."

Orphan dress ups

"Can you help me, can you help me? I look like an orphan child." – 4 yo K. while trying to get her fancy dress on.

When will Jesus come?

We had just left church and were heading to lunch when my 4 yr old(at the time) asked "Momma when will Jesus come?" I said "We don't know for sure..it will be a big surprise." He then said "So maybe he is packing?"

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