Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

A whale of a tale

Driving home from school today, my daughter told me she learned about Jonah and the whale. I asked her how the story went, and this is what I heard.
There were two whales: a baby whale and a mommy whale. The baby whale ate a baby Jonah. The mommy whale ate a mommy Jonah. The whales were girls. They were starving. They didn’t want to spit Jonah out. They were a little angry.
They ate some crabs.
They ate a seagull, too.
The crabs and seagull went way down into the whale’s belly. There was a tree and some dirt in there, too. Whales love dirt. The crabs peeked out of their mouths and saw a sting ray coming toward them. The whale ate the sting ray too. There were lots of sea animals in the whale with Jonah because the whales were hungry.
The moral of the story? People shouldn’t poke a whale with their bathing suits on because the whale will whack you with its flipper.


Last night I finished a can of Coke Zero and let out a big, long burp. Then, I said "Excuse me!"
My son looked up with a huge grin on his face and laughed. Then he said, "You have to Poop!!"
Confused a little bit? I think so. I didn't correct the poor boy ... I didn’t want to discuss farts and poop and burps. Serves me right for burping in the first place.

I don't like butter

Me: "Ew, did you just spit in the butter?"
Son: (very matter-of-factly) "Yes"
Me: "Whyyyy?"
Son: "Because I don't like butter."


Dad: K, you know that your Mommy and I sacrifice a lot for you and your brothers, right?
K: You do?!?!?! (a look of surprise on her face)
(Immediately Dad gets annoyed that not only does K not appreciate the sacrifices we make, but doesn't even recognize them.)
Me: (whispering to Dad) I don’t think she get what sacrifice means.
Dad: (to K) Do you know what sacrifice means?
K: Yes.
Dad: What?
K: It means you kill things.

Pet baby

This morning my English cousin's little boy asked "Mummy ... why does everyone in Ireland call babies "pets?"

Waffles for later

But Mommy, why can't I just put the waffles on the floor and have them in the morning?

I'll take three

The scene: Walmart, last night. The detergent department (yes, it’s a whole department).
From across the crowded aisle, I hear a voice, "Mommy, here. Here!"
E comes hobbling up to me, lugging an impossibly heavy bottle.
Whether it was the angelic, smiling girl on the bottle, or some other, more subtle message that made him decide what the product was, I’ll never really know. But he shouted to me:
"Look, Mommy! This is for you. It makes your children GOOD!"

Bunny rabbit

Me: "Hey, I heard you learned animal names in Spanish today. How do you say bunny in Spanish?"
Daughter (without hesitation): "Rabbit."

Marshmallow tulips

"Mom, I think there’s a dead marshmallow with a plant growing in it!" (Turns out, it was a tulip bulb starting to sprout. I explained that to her, and then came the next quote a few days later ...)
Looking into the planter in the backyard, "Mom, have the light bulbs grown yet?"

Switched-off baby

While holding a few-days-old baby who fell asleep: "Mom, is he turned off?"