Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Slobbery apology

After being told to apologize to the dog, she gave the dog a big hug, held the dog's face in her hands, and told the dog she was sorry. The dog then gave her a huge lick across the face, to which I said, "Oh, see? She forgives you." As my daughter wiped her face, she said, "Well, her forgiveness is awfully slobbery!"

When I'm famous

If I become President, they'll write a book about me and you can learn all about me, Mom.

Fish on a waffle

My daughter came over me today while I was playing a game on the iPod and told me, "I think those guys will defeat you like you are a fish on a waffle." She used the expression several times, as though it was a common one we all know, and then said, "I would like to eat a fish on a waffle." She also told me that waffling is a fancy word for poffling.

You'll be back

I was out with my friend and two of her kids (the third was in school) the other day, we went shopping. On the way out Stella (3) was throwing a fit and refused to walk. So we did the whole "Ok, we're going home without you" fake walk away. We get 10 feet away, Stella doesn't move. 15 feet, she crosses her arms and glares at us. 20 feet, we have to leave the sidewalk and cross the parking lot, Janie can't take it anymore. She hands me the baby and turns to get Stella. When she gets to her Stella whispers in her ear "I knew you'd be back."

Nervous nose

My sister keeps a few children at her house during the afternoon since the local preschool is only half a day.
Yesterday the little boy said "You need to take me to my dad's office. It's the only thing that will help my nose. My nose is nervous. It's just so nervous!"
One of the other kids piped up and said "Um, that don't make NO sense!"

Big sister

We told our parents that we are expecting and thought it would be cute if our daughter called them and said "I'm going to be a big sister!" Well, she told my mom that. To my dad she said "I'm going to be a big man!" and to my mother in law she said "I'm going to be a big Spider-Man!" We're fairly certain she doesn't understand about the new baby.

Bye bye

Son, upon his father getting home from work: Daddeeeeee! I am hoping to go bye-byes now.
Dad: Well, you're going to be sorely disappointed because we aren't going anywhere.
Son: Matta fahkoo!!

That other mother

One spring a few years ago my sister left for a business trip and I offered to stay at the house and take care of my nephew while my bro-in-law was at work. One day I took him to the children's hour at the library and there was a craft table where the kids could make simple paper flowers (I think it was shortly before Mother's Day). C made a flower with the help of the librarian and she said "Good job! Now you can give it to your mom!" He looks at me and says something like "Oh, she not my normal mama, she my sometimes mama when papa away from mama and she come to house and be with papa and me and papa say I listen to her, yes."
Thanks a lot for making me sound like your dad's mistress, kid.

Wedding time

My best friend is getting married in December and has been explaining to her 5 year old daughter about the wedding. Along with learning what a step-daddy is and what marriage means she has been hearing what the flower girl does.
Well, apparently all A has gotten out of these discussions is that she and mommy will be dressed up like princesses and everyone will ooo and ahhhh over how pretty they are. So she has been inviting everyone from family members to random strangers in the grocery store to "Mine and mommy's wedding after Santa comes."
She also repeatedly asks me "Are you coming when me and mommy get married?"
Her mother told her that they were not the ones getting married, and A said "Oh. Are you coming when me and Z (little brother) get married?"


there are two kinds of bleach -- one is for cleaning and one "sucks out all your blood"