Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!


I baby-sit for a five-year-old boy, J. We were watching TV and there was an infomercial for a plastic...thing with five slots in it; you hang it in your closet, put the hangers in each of the slots and thereby save closet space. So the actress is carefully inserting the hangers one by one and the following conversation takes place:
Announcer on infomercial: You can hang one, two, three, four--
J: It's FIVE.

Just download it

Today at the orthopedist, the cutest (and most articulate) 4-year-old boy was getting a cast on his arm while we were waiting to see the doctor. He was chattering to Anna about some show and asking her if she had seen it. When she said no, she probably missed it, he very seriously said "That's okay, you can just log on to Hulu and download it like I did"
For some reason that just cracked me up. I mean, the kid can't tie his own shoes, but he knows how to log onto Hulu and download a show!


Yesterday I was trying on clothes in the maternity store and could hear a little girl (about 6 or 7) in the stall next to me with her mom. The mom was explaining to her about the pillow that you wrap around your belly to see how big you will get.
Then I hear singing:
"IIIIIIiiiiIiiIIIii haaaaave a baby in my tummy! IIIiiiiiIIIii eat goood foods to make the baby healthy! IIIiiiiiIIIIi look like mommy! My baaaaaaaaby will stay in my tummy until I'm 30 and ready to be a mommy too!!"
When I came out of the dressing room my friend was biting her lip and practically in tears trying not to laugh because apparently while the girl was singing she had the belly around her tummy and was dancing all through the store while rubbing her pillowed-belly.

Don't look

Mark: "Mommy, I don't want you to see me do something bad."
Me: "Well, then don't do anything bad."
Mark: "No, I just don't want you to SEE me do anything bad. Go somewhere else."


Derek and Vincent have a collection of those cardboard bricks that initially have to be folded together to make them into their brick shape. I walked past Derek's room this afternoon to see him unfolding all of the bricks.
Me: Why did you take apart your bricks?
Derek: They're Transformers.
Me: Oh really? What have they transformed into?
Derek: Messed up bricks.


My three-year old was watching me eat a delicious zucchini side dish I made.
She asked sweetly, "Mamma, do you like that bikini?"

Elephant hat

My brother took his family out to a buffet after church on Sunday. There was a woman there who was rather large, dressed in a grey suit and wearing a grey hat. The hat had a very wide brim and was pinned up in the front with flowers. My nephew who is two stared at the hat for a bit and looks at his mother and says "Momma, dat elephant?"

Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina

Our daughter has taken notice of the fact that male and female bodies are different. The other day, after being in our bedroom while my husband was getting dressed, she came out and told me that dad has a "big, long vagina."
We cleared things up.


I taught my daughter how to dial 911 in an emergency this morning. I told her that if someone falls down and can't get up, is too sick to walk or talk, or asks her to that she should call 911 and give them our address. Now she keeps asking me if I'm dead yet.

Starwars Jones

Today I introduced the children I watch to Starwars. The oldest child watches for a moment and says "What's Indiana Jones doing in space?".