Funny things kids say

We are now studying contractions. One of my kids raised his hand and said, "So there are two contraptions - one you create, and one you put an apostrophe in."

Mommy, does the 'MA' TV rating mean middle-aged?

If I become President, they'll write a book about me and you can learn all about me, Mom.

Last night I finished a can of Coke Zero and let out a big, long burp. Then, I said "Excuse me!"
My son looked up with a huge grin on his face and laughed. Then he said, "You have to Poop!!"
Confused a little bit? I think so. I didn't correct the poor boy ... I didn’t want to discuss farts and poop and burps. Serves me right for burping in the first place.

Me: "Ew, did you just spit in the butter?"
Son: (very matter-of-factly) "Yes"
Me: "Whyyyy?"
Son: "Because I don't like butter."

Dad: K, you know that your Mommy and I sacrifice a lot for you and your brothers, right?
K: You do?!?!?! (a look of surprise on her face)
(Immediately Dad gets annoyed that not only does K not appreciate the sacrifices we make, but doesn't even recognize them.)
Me: (whispering to Dad) I don’t think she get what sacrifice means.
Dad: (to K) Do you know what sacrifice means?
K: Yes.
Dad: What?
K: It means you kill things.

This morning my English cousin's little boy asked "Mummy ... why does everyone in Ireland call babies "pets?"

But Mommy, why can't I just put the waffles on the floor and have them in the morning?

The scene: Walmart, last night. The detergent department (yes, it’s a whole department).
From across the crowded aisle, I hear a voice, "Mommy, here. Here!"
E comes hobbling up to me, lugging an impossibly heavy bottle.
Whether it was the angelic, smiling girl on the bottle, or some other, more subtle message that made him decide what the product was, I’ll never really know. But he shouted to me:
"Look, Mommy! This is for you. It makes your children GOOD!"

Me: "Hey, I heard you learned animal names in Spanish today. How do you say bunny in Spanish?"
Daughter (without hesitation): "Rabbit."

"Mom, I think there’s a dead marshmallow with a plant growing in it!" (Turns out, it was a tulip bulb starting to sprout. I explained that to her, and then came the next quote a few days later ...)
Looking into the planter in the backyard, "Mom, have the light bulbs grown yet?"

A young boy in my pre-k class was caught coming up dripping from putting his head in the toilet. I asked him why did you do that and he replied "I don't know but I didn't drink any"

While holding a few-days-old baby who fell asleep: "Mom, is he turned off?"

After being told to apologize to the dog, she gave the dog a big hug, held the dog's face in her hands, and told the dog she was sorry. The dog then gave her a huge lick across the face, to which I said, "Oh, see? She forgives you." As my daughter wiped her face, she said, "Well, her forgiveness is awfully slobbery!"

Driving home from school today, my daughter told me she learned about Jonah and the whale. I asked her how the story went, and this is what I heard.
There were two whales: a baby whale and a mommy whale. The baby whale ate a baby Jonah. The mommy whale ate a mommy Jonah. The whales were girls. They were starving. They didn’t want to spit Jonah out. They were a little angry.
They ate some crabs.
They ate a seagull, too.
The crabs and seagull went way down into the whale’s belly. There was a tree and some dirt in there, too. Whales love dirt. The crabs peeked out of their mouths and saw a sting ray coming toward them. The whale ate the sting ray too. There were lots of sea animals in the whale with Jonah because the whales were hungry.
The moral of the story? People shouldn’t poke a whale with their bathing suits on because the whale will whack you with its flipper.

Here, Mommy, feel my tummy. Does it hurt?

The other night I tucked my daughter in to bed. A few minutes later she called for me, so I went to see what she wanted.
"Moooom, it’s so HARD and HOOOOOORIBLE!" she sighed as she threw her arms over her face.
"What’s hard and horrible?" I asked the little drama queen.
"Sleeping," she moaned.
"Well, I’m sorry you think it’s hard and horrible. But why don’t you give it a try?" I proposed.
"But it’s so much woooooork!" she whined.
Sad thing is, the fruit didn’t fall far from the tree. I kinda think it’s a pain to sleep, too.

Me: Honey, you’re only going to go to school for a half day today.
J: Why?
Me: Because when you stay for a whole day you are very cranky when you come home.
J: But Mommy, I want to stay a long time with my friends.
Me: Honey, I’m sorry ... you’re just too cranky when you stay all day.
J: You know what Mommy? Sometimes I’m cranky when I stay for a half day, too.

A little boys says, "Texas is where my cousin who is in jail lived."

Apparently this morning while my loving father was letting me sleep in for just a little while, he undertook the task of feeding my 4 and 1 year old. I had told him the evening before that there were eggs and sausage in the fridge and the boys could eat that.
So, Grandpa got to work on making a delicious breakfast for the boys. After making it, Big Brother looked at the sausage and commented, "Grandpa, you cooked the sausage different than mommy does." Next, he said, "Mommy’s eggs don’t look like that ... they are flat." Grandpa, being the wise man that he is, decided to explain to my son how some people make food differently. "Your mommy and I just make things differently," he said. To that, my 4 year old said, "Why, because you are old?"