Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Too mad for kisses

My daughter was throwing a gigantic fit today because I made her come in from playing outside. I was talking with her and trying to get her to calm down, and I kissed her on the cheek. She immediately stopped crying and yelled, "Mama! No kiss me. I very mad right now!"
Then she scowled at me for a minute more and then smiled and said, "Okay, happy again." and went about her day.

Robot folder

I was folding towels yesterday, and Shane asked, "Do you have to do that?"
I replied, "Yes, they aren't going to fold themselves."
"Why don't you get a machine to do it," he said.
"That's a great idea! Can you make me one?"
"Like 3PO? Does that sound good?"

Scarey bee

My son, shying back from a bee: There's a bee here, Daddy. I didn't want it to get upset, so I am giving it some time alone.

Torn sky

Tonight we were out for a walk and my son saw one of those airplane trails in the sky. He pointed and said, "See the sky? It has a rip in it!"

Holy underwear

(To the tune of It’s a Small World)
It’s the holy un-derwear
It’s the holy un-derwear
It’s the holy un-derwear
But only if the Christ Jesus wears it!

Milky burgers

I asked my daughter if she knew where hamburgers came from. "Meat?" "Well, close, hamburgers come from cows." "Oh. So, when we eat hamburgers we are eating cow?" I cringed. Am I turning her vegan? "Yes, that’s right." "Oh! So hamburgers have milk in them."

Daddy knows

"Mommy, what is that thing with lines?"
"I don’t know. We’ll ask daddy." I said.
She replied, "yeah he’s smarter."


Maddox: Mama, where could we see a vampire?
Me: Maddox, vampires are only pretend. There aren't any in the whole world.
Maddox: Would we have to go to another state to see one?
Me: No. There aren't any anywhere except for on shows and in stories.
Maddox: Are there any on Mars?
Me: I don't think so. I don't think God would make vampires anywhere.
Maddox: Not even on another planet?
Me: No, vampires aren't very nice creatures and I don't think God would make them.
Maddox: What if God was a vampire?
Me: ...?? Vampires aren't powerful the way God is.
Maddox: How do you kill a vampire? Can you run over it with your car?
Me: It would come back if you did that. You have to cut its head off.
Maddox: !! Why??
Me: I don't know. I didn't make the rules. Whoever made up vampires did.
Maddox: What else works?
Me: You could jam a piece of wood through their heart.
Maddox: How?
Me: When it was sleeping.
Maddox: How would you cut its head off? With an axe?
Me: I think axes are too hard to maneuver. They're heavy and awkward. I think a sword would be better.
Maddox: I don't have a sword!
Me: Well, you could spray it with water. They don't like that. They melt.
Maddox: Really?
Me: Yes.
We also discussed vampire bats, what color they are, what to do if one gets trapped in your house, whether or not they turn into vampires, and what type of animals they feed on (not people). Thank you, Scooby Doo Vampire Island, for sucking ass.

Sunny and mooney

My son was playing in the back yard when he suddenly announced that he wanted to come inside because "I hate it out here! It's too sunny...and too moony!"

When I'm 25

"Mummy, when I'm twenty-five, can I please have a Bumblebee Transformer?"