Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Can I come to the wedding?

Daughter: 'Mummy, can I go to your wedding?'
Me: 'No sweetheart, I'm already married and I don't plan to get married again.'
Daughter: 'Oh. Is Daddy married?'
Me: 'Yes, Daddy is married to me'
Daughter: 'Oh. And I'm married too.'
Me: 'No, you're not married. When you're much bigger you can get married if you want.'
Daughter: 'Good. I don't want to get married.'

Can I have a baby?

Daughter: 'Can I have a baby in my tummy?'
Me: 'No, you're only a little girl. Little girls can't have babies in their tummies.'
Daughter: 'Oh when I'm bigger can I have a baby in my tummy?'
Me: 'Yes, when you're bigger'
Daughter: 'Maybe when I'm ten I can have a baby in my tummy.'
Me: 'No, when you're an adult you can have a baby. When you've been to university and married someone lovely, you can have a baby in your tummy.'
Daughter: 'I'll be bigger tomorrow. Can I have a baby tomorrow?'


My daughter was turning upside down on the sofa and then flipping off it onto the floor. I asked her what she was doing and she replied "I'm circing".
Me: Circing?
Her: Yes, mummy. Like in a circus.
Of course.


I'm sitting on the edge of (quite deep) sofa with one twin, reading her a story. The other twin jumped up on the sofa, crawled along behind us, lay down and yelled "HELP! HELP!" I turned my head and said "What's wrong?" and he gave me a huge cheesy grin and said "I okay!" and crawled off the sofa. I lost it completely.

Not a horse

Alexander has been trying to ride Callie like a horse. All day today I have repeatedly told him "Callie is not a horsie".
Just now, he put both hands on each side of her face and said "Callie, you are NOT a horsie!"


A few days ago my daughter accidently knocked a bowl of chopped up apples off the table, she says "look mum. Mess!"

Got laid

Alright, so my step-siblings are staying with us this month. The 10 year old made friends with another 10 year old named Cortland. Dinner tends to be a rehashing of every funny thing Cortland said and/or did. Tonight we had this exchange:
"Cortland is rich because he has like, everything you could possibly buy."
"He said he's not rich though. Like, today he came out of his house and he said 'I'm not rich! My dad just got laid!' "
Cue 4 pairs of eyes latching onto him, including the giggling of his brother and sister, aged 14 and 12. He just looks around trying to figure out what the hell is so funny.
"Did you mean 'laid-OFF?' "
He forgot one very important word in that sentence.

When I grow up

Me: "Hey, G. What do you want to be when you grow up?"
G: *very seriously* "A man."
I almost fell over laughing.

Peek-a-boo penis

Yesterday my son was in the bathtub, and he pulled the facecloth over his lap and said, "Where did peenie go?" Then he removed the cloth and yelled, "TA-DA!!!"

Apple Mac

My son has recently proven he is definitely his (computer-obsessed) father's child: "Apple! Apple! Apple!" he declares proudly to all who will listen.
I can only pretend that he's talking about the fruit, and the Mac in his hands is pure coincidence.