Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Mechanical asshole

I don't think I've told this one yet. First, let it be known that I never swear around my son.
We were watching Dirty Jobs, and Mike Rowe was helping out at a place that turns poo into flower pots, or something like that. Mike announces that this particular machine that forces out the poo was like a big mechanical butthole. My aunt Tina came over a few minutes later, and the machine is shown on tv again. Jaren says, "Look Tina, this thing is a big mechanical asshole."


One of the children at work has been learning new words this week. We were in her sister's room, changing the sheets on the bed, when she started yelling "Look! A cock! A cock!" With my eyes doing this I said "What's that?" and turned to see her, still yelling "A cock! A cock!" and waving the bedside table CLOCK at me.
I'm just glad she hasn't spotted any clocks out in public lately. Or at least, not when I'm taking her out.

Biscuit time

This is more a did than a said, but the 18-month-old that I nanny for was hungry last night. He doesn't have a lot of words yet (yes, no, ta, Mama, Dada, two of his three brothers' names, cat, dog). He was getting hungry around 4:30 and asking, with gestures, for a biscuit (cookie). I thought, being so close to his dinner time, I'd try distraction, so I said "No biscuits now. How about we read a story?". He grinned and ran over to his stack of books, picking out one called "My First Book Of Shapes & Colours", which he loves. He sat down next to me, flipped the book open, flipped past the Circles page, the Squares page and onto Rectangles. He stabbed his finger at the picture of a biscuit in the middle of the page and said "THAT"
Okay. I get the message. Me: "You really want a biscuit, don't you?" Him: "YES! Ta! Ta!". For ingenuity and creativity, he got a biscuit.

Not productive

Son: "Why do I have to go to preschool?"
Me: "So you can become a productive member of society."
Son: "I don't want that to happen to me."


My son is really into animals right now. Ducks make a quack quack noise. Cats meow. A pig makes a snorty noise. And everything else goes Mooooo!
My husband and I were walking on the boardwalk with our son in his stroller. There was a couple sitting on one of the benches on the side of the boardwalk, with a very very large dog. Lucas took one look at the dog, pointed at it and said "Mama! Mooooooooo!"

Pingu's inner voice

I walked into the living room where the kids were watching Pingu just in time to hear my son say, "Pingu will not listen to his inner voice! He ignores his inner voice!" All of a sudden the philosophical implications of Pingu are a lot more intriguing to me than they previously were.

Lion hell

I gave my son a snack this afternoon in a little snack cup with a lion on it. Here's the conversation that followed:
Him: There's a lion on that cup!
Me: That's right! What letter does lion start with?
Him: *thinking really hard*
Me: L-L-Lion...
Him: I don't know, Mama.
Me: L. Lion starts with an L.
Him: L...L...Hey, I know! That rhymes with what the hell!!!
Me: *looking down trying not to laugh but not succeeding* Yup, it sure does, buddy. You are absolutely right. Good rhyming!

Alone time

My husband, trying to convince my daughter that she could handle some alone time watching TV so that Mommy and Daddy could have some "alone time" of their own: Why don't you watch a TV show! What TV show would you like to watch?
Daughter, thinking: Hmmm. What will you and mommy be doing?

Who needs food?

During a power struggle about dinner:
Me: You need to eat that food so you can get to be big and strong.
Him: I don't wanna! I want to stay little forever!

Leaving home

Tonight, my 12 year old cousin: "I'm never moving out or getting a job."
Me: "What if you get married."
Him: *Thinking hard* "She can move in here."
He completely serious about it too, it was great.