Maddox: Mama, where could we see a vampire?
Me: Maddox, vampires are only pretend. There aren't any in the whole world.
Maddox: Would we have to go to another state to see one?
Me: No. There aren't any anywhere except for on shows and in stories.
Maddox: Are there any on Mars?
Me: I don't think so. I don't think God would make vampires anywhere.
Maddox: Not even on another planet?
Me: No, vampires aren't very nice creatures and I don't think God would make them.
Maddox: What if God was a vampire?
Me: ...?? Vampires aren't powerful the way God is.
Maddox: How do you kill a vampire? Can you run over it with your car?
Me: It would come back if you did that. You have to cut its head off.
Maddox: !! Why??
Me: I don't know. I didn't make the rules. Whoever made up vampires did.
Maddox: What else works?
Me: You could jam a piece of wood through their heart.
Maddox: How?
Me: When it was sleeping.
Maddox: How would you cut its head off? With an axe?
Me: I think axes are too hard to maneuver. They're heavy and awkward. I think a sword would be better.
Maddox: I don't have a sword!
Me: Well, you could spray it with water. They don't like that. They melt.
Maddox: Really?
Me: Yes.
We also discussed vampire bats, what color they are, what to do if one gets trapped in your house, whether or not they turn into vampires, and what type of animals they feed on (not people). Thank you, Scooby Doo Vampire Island, for sucking ass.

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