Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Flat ninja

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"
How the hell do I respond to that?

Penguin architects

We were at the zoo the other day and our son was insistent that "The puffins are architects!" My husband and I were very confused until we got to the penguins and he told us that "The penguins also live in the architect." Aha! Architect=Arctic.

Nipple nose

My 5 year old nephew just asked me why I have a nipple by my nose.
Thanks for reminding me I have not yet put my makeup on and I have a nice zit on my face.

When you grow up

A six-year-old boy once told me (when I was 16), "I'm going to marry you when you grow up." Interesting that he recognized I still had some growing up to do, but thought he was ready for marriage - or at least would be by the time I was. And it was not a proposal but rather a decree; I apparently had no say in the matter.

The F word

I burnt my finger this morning trying to open my daughter's boiled egg, and I managed to stop myself swearing, but instead ended up just saying "Ffffffffffffffffffffffffff!". I was quite proud of myself, since I swear way too much, until my son looked at me seriously and said "Mum, you were going to say "fuck", weren't you?" Oops. I couldn't help but laugh, though.

Bomb, duck, same thing

My in-laws took my nephews, nearly 5 and 6.5 at the time, up to London a month or two ago. They went to the Science Museum, and had their bags checked by security as they entered. The security guard explained that he was looking for anything that could be dangerous.
"You mean like a bomb?" asked one boy.
And his younger brother pipes up, "You mean like a duck?"

My ass

My son has his own Kidizoom camera. He's scrolling through the photos he's taken and he says to me, "I took a picture of my OWN ASS!"

Whistling nose

Ellie has a slight cold and is a bit snuffly in the mornings. Today she complained that it sounded like a 'bird in her head'. The snot was making the air whistle, I just love the explanation.

Don't tease the sheep

My 20-month-old is already a tease.
Yesterday we went for a walk and he was eating an apple. We came up to a pasture containing some sheep, and he held out his apple in the general direction of the pasture and said, all pleasantly "Hi, sheep. Piece of apple? Bite?" Then he snatched the apple back to his chest and yelled, "NOPE!" followed by an evil cackle.

No timeout

We had another round of "I don't want timeout" yesterday. "I don't want a timeout. I can't be in timeout. There's something wrong with the stairs, and so I can't sit here or I'll get hurt." There's nothing wrong with the stairs. After a bit, we then heard, "No, I can't be in timeout on the stairs, because then you guys will step on me and it will hurt!"

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