Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!


"Lets play poker"
"How do you do that?"
"You poke people"

Say what you mean

Child: "Look, we've all got the same fork!"
Mum: "No we don't, we've all got different forks"
Child: "No, thats not what I meant, I meant Ryan and me have a knife and fork and mum's just got a fork"
Mum: "Thats not what you said"
Child "Yes it is!"

Orgasmic vegetables

Our six year old daughter had been learning about organic vegetables at school and we looked out for some when we went shopping. We couldn't see them, so my daughter went up to a young lady assistant, pointed at a cucumber and asked in her regular (very loud) voice if that was an orgasmic vegetable! Needless to say, I disappeared round the corner of the aisle as fast as I could!

Pause the game

Ever since the kids got into the PlayStation their grandparents got them for Christmas, there’s been a slight change in the way they talk. Whenever anyone needs a break, you’ll hear the immortal words "Pause the game, I’ll be back in a minute."
This doesn’t just apply to computer games, they say it in "real life" too. Outside, playing little games or whatever. They’re not obsessed (really!), but it’s funny how they use such a gaming type phrase in day to day life.

Getting old

On my daughter's birthday, I asked her how it feels to be seven. She thought about it for a while, and said "It feels the same as being six. You need to get used to it."


When I grow up, I want to be a normal person. Not a teacher, they have to look after all the naughty kids.


My 15 year old brother taught my younger brother how to burn ants with a magnifying glass and the sun... Well soon it moved on to paper. My little brother plays alot of video games so he has very creative words... Anyway next thing you know he walks into the house and says to my grandma, "Nanny I need some paper." So she says "why do you need paper?" He exclaims "I need paper to vaporize it."

In a jam

Her: Since I hate jam, I took my sandwich apart and had it like toast. And guess what? It tasted like pancakes. And I love pancakes.
Me: So you hate jam on bread but you love it on pancakes?
Her: Yes, that's right.
I could pick some holes in that logic, but I won't.

Just a flesh wound

My daughter comes home and tells me in passing she had a blood nose today. She gets blood noses pretty often, especially when its hot, so I didn't pay her much attention.
So later that evening after I point out one of her many bruises, she says "The teacher says I'll get a bruise here", pointing to the bridge of her nose between her eyes. "Why?" I say. "Because I got hit there with a ball by Eli at cricket time. And I was crying. And I had to sit out a whole lesson. They put an icepack on it. That's why I had a blood nose".
You never get the full story, do you?


A few days ago Jack, aged 2, soaked his shirt sleeves playing at the sink. So, I did what any mother does and changed his shirt. All I had that was ironed was a short-sleeved one so, as it's cold, I put a cardigan on over the top.
Being Jack, he soon pulled the cardigan off and got on with playing.
A little later we were getting ready to go out and I told everyone to get their coats.
Jack suddenly let a shriek out of him and announced, "Oh no, my sleeves are rubbed out!"
He had earlier watched his big sister rubbing out a mistake in her homework book!