Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Wrinkly fingers

Getting my daughter out of the bath she looks down at her shrivelled up little fingers and says, "Wook, my fingers are scared!"

Willies with holes

My kids were playing a game whilst on a long journey and they had to all think of things that have a hole in. One answered 'willies'!! They decided to play a different game after that!


So I'm in the bathroom with my 4 year old. Trying to brush his teeth. He is on the floor rattling off a story to me. I'm multi-tasking, you know, picking up a bit, wiping the counter down, bending over to put something under the sink.
I stand up and start to reach around to pull the shorts which seem to have found their way up my butt at some point during my multi-tasking efforts out and mid-sentence he reaches up, grabs my shorts, tugs them out of my buttcrack and continues on with his saga.
Me: What did you just do?
Him: I was pulling your shorts (giggles start) our of your BUM!

Playing with my penis

My son was in his room the other day, being quiet. I asked him what he was doing, and he calls out "playing with my penis."
Wasn't quite sure how to respond to that one, so I thought I'd try to distract him and asked if he wanted to do something with me.
He says "Sure. Do you want to play with my penis?"

Keep the change for candy

This is actually something my friend's daughter did. One day we stopped at a variety store and my friend had to quickly run in the bank beside it so she sent her daughter into the store with my money while I watched her from the car. My friend returned to the car and her daughter came out of the variety store with the loaf of bread and some candy. She asked her if she asked me if she could spend my money on the candy and her daughter replied "no". My friend initially accepted this answer but then asked her where she got the money then. Her answer: "the lady in the store gave it to me" (my change from buying the bread) We both laughed hysterically!!!

How babies come out

I'm pregnant with my second baby. My son is four and my friends daughter will be five next month. They were talking about how the baby comes out and my son asked me how they came out. I told him and he said that Hanna told him that when it's time the girl has to push really hard on her knees and then the baby will come out. I thought that was pretty well thought out considering when you watch something on TV like a baby story they usually show the women holding her knees up and that could totally come across as pushing on the knees.


I was getting out of the shower and my 4 year old son asked me what is that. I told him what he was pointing was my nipple. His sister promptly came in and said, I have nipples too (she's two). Her brother said, "you both have nipples but none of you have a penis so I win! HAHAHAHAHA"


My daughter turned 3 on Saturday, so much of the conversation at our house has been about what a big girl she is now.
As I was getting her dressed for preschool, she looked up at me and asked:
"Mommy, now that I'm a big girl, am I going to get a bra like you?" It was all I could do to keep a straight face. I explained that bras are for really, really big girls, like mommies.
Her response: "Why doesn't daddy have a bra?"
I couldn't resist the giggle, but I tried really hard to explain in simple terms that daddies don't have breasts and don't need them.
At which point, she said, "I have breasts, and that's why Santa's going to bring me a bra."
Not worth arguing about that with a 3-year-old. I just hope she forgets about it by the time Christmas rolls around.

How you get pregnant

I had gone back into see the doctor for my six week check up after having my third child. My mom came with me and stayed out in the waiting room with my two oldest sons.
The doctors office was small and the walls not very thick. You could often hear parts of conversation if someone spoke loudly enough. After examining my six week old baby I took him out to my mom and returned back to the exam room for my own check up. My 5 year old son began to question my mom as to why I went back in the room again. My mom told him quietly to hush and it was none of his buisness. Not leaving it alone he again asked why I went in and had not yet come out. He had got a little louder, drawing attention to my mom and himself. My mom again told him to "sit down, look at a book and be quiet". Just as my doctor came in to the exam room to check on me. We could hear my son's loud pitched voice very clearly ask. "Did she go in there to get PREGNANT AGAIN"? and the instant roar of laughter by all the waiting patients that followed.

Why do dogs have tails?

One early morning drive to school, my son asked me "Why do dogs have tails?". It was way too early for me, so I said, "Why do YOU think they have tails?" Several minutes later he replied: "I think God wanted a way for dogs to laugh".