Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina

Mark followed me into the bathroom, as usual.
Mark: "You don't stand up to pee?"
Me: "No, I don't."
Mark: "Can I see your penis?"
Me: "I don't have a penis."
Mark "You DO have a penis."
Me: "No, I don't."
Mark: "Do you have a penis on your butt?"
I can't stop laughing, but really don't want to talk about my vagina with him, because he will probably mention it to a random stranger at some point.
I finally say "Girls don't have a penis, they have a vagina."
Mark: "You live in China?"

Farts

The funniest thing my son has said in a while (unless you count calling Grover "fucker" in front of the whole family at Christmas) was last night. We co-sleep. My husband farted. We weren't quite asleep yet, but we thought my son was until he sat up and said:
Son: Da-da! That was Da-da's butt!
I laughed so hard my son got hyper again and it took a long time for any of us to go to sleep.

Good singer

My son asked me if I thought he was a good singer and I told him that he is....Then I asked..."Is Mommy a good singer?" To which he replied "No, but it's probably just your voice...Maybe your lungs"

Family planning

Maddox: Mama, if you will be the grandma to my kids, who will my wife be?
Me: I don't know. You will have to find her. Do you have any ideas about who she might be?
Maddox: No... Who will be the grandpa?
Me: Your daddy.
Maddox: Oh... Well, who will be the dad, then?
Me: You.
Maddox: Well, what will my dad think about that?

Sarcasm

At the grocery store with Tru today, I noticed a yummy-looking package of flatbread with cilantro and cumin. I commented out loud that I could probably make that myself. Tru said, "SUUUURE you could, Mommy." I laughed. "Tru! Are you being sarcastic?!" Tru said, "Yep."

Big footballer

My four-year-old announced to me the other day that when he's ten, he'll play football. He then continued to tell me that he would be on the field and the pretty girls would stand next to him, and when he walked by, they'd say, "You're so big!" To which he'd reply, "Yes, I am!"

No milk for me

My son asked me why I couldn’t drink milk, I told him it was because I get an upset stomach. He responded, "Oh, that’s right. That’s how you got pregnant."

Secrets are cameras

Little brother: Mommy, we got you a present.
Big brother: That's a secret. Remember how you told me you were going to be a big boy and keep our secret?
Little brother: It's a camera!
Big brother: It's supposed to be a secret. Do you know what a secret is?
Little brother: Secrets are cameras.

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You can also view 5 random quotes or the full list.