Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Look in here

I'm out in the backyard, it's summer. 4 year old nephew has the hose, and he wants to soak his father. A little ways away, I've got the hose and can crimp it. Every time he goes to get his father wet, the flow of water "mysteriously" stops. So he looks down the hose. The flow of water "mysteriously" starts. After about three times, he goes up to his father and says, "Dad, look in here".

Flushed brush

My son, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago"
Ewww ...

Poo scissors

A friend of mines little son was walking funny one day. When his mum asked him what was wrong, he said " I have itchy scissors ". When asked what and where these scissors were he replied, "You know the bit that cuts off your poos!!!". Makes me laugh writing it.

Guided pee

Care provider, to little boy: Every time you go to the potty, I have to come in behind you and mop the floor. Why can't you just put all your pee-pee in the potty like the other little boys in class?
Little boy: Lady, do you know how hard it is to guide one of these things!?

Short daddy

Boy: (crying) No!! Please , don't make me get a shot, it's going to hurt!!
Nurse: It's going to be okay! You have to get one of these so you can grow up to be as big as your daddy.
Boy: (smacking himself on the forehead) Oh NO. My daddy is short!

Left channel

A boy is laying in bed with his dad when his mom changed the channel on the TV for them.
Mom: Is that the right channel?
Dad: Yes, that's the right one.
Son: NO, Mommy, that is not the right channel.
Mom: Yes, it is. Daddy said that is the channel he wants.
Son: Well, then put it on the LEFT channel, Mom.

Broken bum

If you break your gluteus maximus, will you get constipated?

Toilet time

Me: "do you need to go to the toilet or do anything else in the bathroom?"
Her: "No"
Me: "Ok, I'm going in the bathroom to have a shower now."
Her: "But I really need to go to the toilet!"

Parcel in the post

I got a package delivery today. My daughter says "I wish I got a parcel too. As big as a fridge! And it was a giant toothbrush!"

Breast Obsessed

My son is 5 years old and he is obsessed with my breasts. he was only on breast milk 9 months. One Morning he came into my rooom and said
Him :"Mummy can i snog your boobies"
Me: no you can't
Him: i bet you let Daddy and i know you let Katy (my 3 month year old daughtetr)
Me: No Ryan(my son) you can not
Him: your evil
he then stops out the room and i fall back asleep i wake up an hour later with him sqqueezing my breasts
Whatta strange child

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