Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!


Today my four year old sister tried to convince me that yes, she is ready to date, that she and James are getting married when they start school, and that I should wear my blue dress to their wedding.

Feed me?

This isn't something funny my nephew said, but rather did. He's 1 and terrified of my mother's mini schnauzer. So she was showing him the dog was ok by feeding her treats. So my mother asked my nephew if he wanted to try (thinking he'd like to feed the dog if he were brave enough) and he nodded and opened wide for a treat too.


I was reading a book recently.
Son: "Mama."
Me: Yes, honey? *distracted*
Son: "Mama, look at me!"
Me: *looks at his grinning face, 6 inches from mine*
Son: "SMILE at me!"
How can you resist that?

Long drive

We took our son on a trip that is usually 3.5 hours long, but can be much longer if you have a kid who is no longer in any sort of diaper/pull up.
Our son proclaimed he needed to "pee pee in BIG potty!" so we pulled over and my husband takes him to a tree and explains how little boys can pee pee outside on trees and it's OK to do if you have to go and you don't see a big potty. Our son goes and we are on our way. We get to the "hole-hell" (hotel ) and our son runs to the lobby and up to a fake tree where, yes you guessed it, he whips down his pants and proceeds to pee on this fake tree all while saying very loudly "Daddy said pee pee on tree!"

Don't die

So I found something in the back of the fridge that still looked like it was OK and decided to eat it against my partner's advice. I said "I die you know what to blame".
Miss 4 pipes up with "you can't die mum, we need you!"

Not scarey

My two girls were having a conversation in the next room:
Miss 4: "I climb up my bookshelf to put things there."
Miss 11: "You CLIMB up your BOOKSHELF???"
Miss 4: "Yes, its a little bit scary"
Miss 11: "how do you do that?"
Miss 4: "The bookshelf is very heavy, it doesn't wobble. I'm small and it doesn't fall down"

Christmas tree skirt

4 year old Jordyn said the reason the tree had a skirt was so you couldn't see its panties.

Christmas presents

Various family members: "What did you get for Christmas?"
Master 3: "Presents"
Various family members: "What kind of presents?"
Master 3 (with that tone suggesting the person is rather stupid): "CHRISTMAS presents"

Pickle sausages

Miss 5: I want a pickle
Me: But we're about to have sausages for dinner
Miss 5: But a pickle is like a sausage
Sausage shaped maybe, but a lot greener and tastes very different :)

Mollusc situation

When someone says something I most commonly say "in a mollusc situation"