Q: What goes "ha, ha, plop"?

A: Someone laughing their head off.

Q: What goes "boo hoo, splat"?

A: Someone crying their eyes out.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Arch
Arch who?
Bless you!

Q: What did the dog say to the tree?

A: BARK BARK!

Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
Doctor: oh, pull yourself together.

Patient:Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pack of playing cards.
Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snooker ball.
Doctor: Please get to the end of the cue.

Patient: Doctor Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me!
Doctor: next!

Patient: Doctor Doctor the invisible man is in the waiting room
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

Q: What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

A: For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.