Funny things kids say

My 5 year old nephew just asked me why I have a nipple by my nose.
Thanks for reminding me I have not yet put my makeup on and I have a nice zit on my face.

A six-year-old boy once told me (when I was 16), "I'm going to marry you when you grow up." Interesting that he recognized I still had some growing up to do, but thought he was ready for marriage - or at least would be by the time I was. And it was not a proposal but rather a decree; I apparently had no say in the matter.

I burnt my finger this morning trying to open my daughter's boiled egg, and I managed to stop myself swearing, but instead ended up just saying "Ffffffffffffffffffffffffff!". I was quite proud of myself, since I swear way too much, until my son looked at me seriously and said "Mum, you were going to say "fuck", weren't you?" Oops. I couldn't help but laugh, though.

My in-laws took my nephews, nearly 5 and 6.5 at the time, up to London a month or two ago. They went to the Science Museum, and had their bags checked by security as they entered. The security guard explained that he was looking for anything that could be dangerous.
"You mean like a bomb?" asked one boy.
And his younger brother pipes up, "You mean like a duck?"

My son has his own Kidizoom camera. He's scrolling through the photos he's taken and he says to me, "I took a picture of my OWN ASS!"

Ellie has a slight cold and is a bit snuffly in the mornings. Today she complained that it sounded like a 'bird in her head'. The snot was making the air whistle, I just love the explanation.

My 20-month-old is already a tease.
Yesterday we went for a walk and he was eating an apple. We came up to a pasture containing some sheep, and he held out his apple in the general direction of the pasture and said, all pleasantly "Hi, sheep. Piece of apple? Bite?" Then he snatched the apple back to his chest and yelled, "NOPE!" followed by an evil cackle.

My daughter who was 6 at the time asked me if she had been christened.... I explained that she had not because when she is older she can choose what religion she wants to be.. I said you can be a christian, a catholic anything you want... Her reply "oh great Mummy I 'm going to be a princess !"

We had another round of "I don't want timeout" yesterday. "I don't want a timeout. I can't be in timeout. There's something wrong with the stairs, and so I can't sit here or I'll get hurt." There's nothing wrong with the stairs. After a bit, we then heard, "No, I can't be in timeout on the stairs, because then you guys will step on me and it will hurt!"

I don't think I've told this one yet. First, let it be known that I never swear around my son.
We were watching Dirty Jobs, and Mike Rowe was helping out at a place that turns poo into flower pots, or something like that. Mike announces that this particular machine that forces out the poo was like a big mechanical butthole. My aunt Tina came over a few minutes later, and the machine is shown on tv again. Jaren says, "Look Tina, this thing is a big mechanical asshole."

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"
How the hell do I respond to that?

Today I introduced the children I watch to Starwars. The oldest child watches for a moment and says "What's Indiana Jones doing in space?".

I taught my daughter how to dial 911 in an emergency this morning. I told her that if someone falls down and can't get up, is too sick to walk or talk, or asks her to that she should call 911 and give them our address. Now she keeps asking me if I'm dead yet.

I baby-sit for a five-year-old boy, J. We were watching TV and there was an infomercial for a plastic...thing with five slots in it; you hang it in your closet, put the hangers in each of the slots and thereby save closet space. So the actress is carefully inserting the hangers one by one and the following conversation takes place:
Announcer on infomercial: You can hang one, two, three, four--
J: It's FIVE.

"Mummy, when I'm twenty-five, can I please have a Bumblebee Transformer?"

My son was playing in the back yard when he suddenly announced that he wanted to come inside because "I hate it out here! It's too sunny...and too moony!"

Maddox: Mama, where could we see a vampire?
Me: Maddox, vampires are only pretend. There aren't any in the whole world.
Maddox: Would we have to go to another state to see one?
Me: No. There aren't any anywhere except for on shows and in stories.
Maddox: Are there any on Mars?
Me: I don't think so. I don't think God would make vampires anywhere.
Maddox: Not even on another planet?
Me: No, vampires aren't very nice creatures and I don't think God would make them.
Maddox: What if God was a vampire?
Me: ...?? Vampires aren't powerful the way God is.
*later*
Maddox: How do you kill a vampire? Can you run over it with your car?
Me: It would come back if you did that. You have to cut its head off.
Maddox: !! Why??
Me: I don't know. I didn't make the rules. Whoever made up vampires did.
Maddox: What else works?
Me: You could jam a piece of wood through their heart.
Maddox: How?
Me: When it was sleeping.
Maddox: How would you cut its head off? With an axe?
Me: I think axes are too hard to maneuver. They're heavy and awkward. I think a sword would be better.
Maddox: I don't have a sword!
Me: Well, you could spray it with water. They don't like that. They melt.
Maddox: Really?
Me: Yes.
We also discussed vampire bats, what color they are, what to do if one gets trapped in your house, whether or not they turn into vampires, and what type of animals they feed on (not people). Thank you, Scooby Doo Vampire Island, for sucking ass.

Today at the orthopedist, the cutest (and most articulate) 4-year-old boy was getting a cast on his arm while we were waiting to see the doctor. He was chattering to Anna about some show and asking her if she had seen it. When she said no, she probably missed it, he very seriously said "That's okay, you can just log on to Hulu and download it like I did"
For some reason that just cracked me up. I mean, the kid can't tie his own shoes, but he knows how to log onto Hulu and download a show!

"When you are an adult, you stop growing up and start growing out. Then you get bigger and bigger until you are as fat as the whole world!"

Yesterday I was trying on clothes in the maternity store and could hear a little girl (about 6 or 7) in the stall next to me with her mom. The mom was explaining to her about the pillow that you wrap around your belly to see how big you will get.
Then I hear singing:
"IIIIIIiiiiIiiIIIii haaaaave a baby in my tummy! IIIiiiiiIIIii eat goood foods to make the baby healthy! IIIiiiiiIIIIi look like mommy! My baaaaaaaaby will stay in my tummy until I'm 30 and ready to be a mommy too!!"
When I came out of the dressing room my friend was biting her lip and practically in tears trying not to laugh because apparently while the girl was singing she had the belly around her tummy and was dancing all through the store while rubbing her pillowed-belly.