Funny things kids say

On Saturday we were having lunch at home and our daughter was eating food with her fingers when she ought to have been using her fork. My husband reminded her to use her fork, keep her napkin in her lap, sit up, etc. etc. (we go through this at every meal). She grudgingly did as she was told, but after a brief silence, piped up and said, "you know, well-behaved women rarely make history."
I nearly fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.
When we recovered, we told her that phrase unfortunately doesn't apply to table manners.

I recently called my girlfriend and her 3 and a half year old daughter answered the phone.
"Hi Sweetie, it's Susan, can I talk to your mommy?"
"In a minute, she's pooping right now."

My daughter just came over to me to give me hugs and kisses, so of course I had to kiss and hug her back. She starts to giggle and says, "Awww now we're married!"

Me: Don't you want to wear a skirt to the dance thing, so it'll twirl when you spin?
Her: Meh.
Dad: Hey, Scottish guys wear skirts, did you know that?
Her: (Scornful) Yes. They're called quilts.

"Why do I have to go to school when I'm never leaving home anyway?"

I was out with my friend and two of her kids (the third was in school) the other day, we went shopping. On the way out Stella (3) was throwing a fit and refused to walk. So we did the whole "Ok, we're going home without you" fake walk away. We get 10 feet away, Stella doesn't move. 15 feet, she crosses her arms and glares at us. 20 feet, we have to leave the sidewalk and cross the parking lot, Janie can't take it anymore. She hands me the baby and turns to get Stella. When she gets to her Stella whispers in her ear "I knew you'd be back."

My sister keeps a few children at her house during the afternoon since the local preschool is only half a day.
Yesterday the little boy said "You need to take me to my dad's office. It's the only thing that will help my nose. My nose is nervous. It's just so nervous!"
One of the other kids piped up and said "Um, that don't make NO sense!"

We told our parents that we are expecting and thought it would be cute if our daughter called them and said "I'm going to be a big sister!" Well, she told my mom that. To my dad she said "I'm going to be a big man!" and to my mother in law she said "I'm going to be a big Spider-Man!" We're fairly certain she doesn't understand about the new baby.

Son, upon his father getting home from work: Daddeeeeee! I am hoping to go bye-byes now.
Dad: Well, you're going to be sorely disappointed because we aren't going anywhere.
Son: Matta fahkoo!!

One spring a few years ago my sister left for a business trip and I offered to stay at the house and take care of my nephew while my bro-in-law was at work. One day I took him to the children's hour at the library and there was a craft table where the kids could make simple paper flowers (I think it was shortly before Mother's Day). C made a flower with the help of the librarian and she said "Good job! Now you can give it to your mom!" He looks at me and says something like "Oh, she not my normal mama, she my sometimes mama when papa away from mama and she come to house and be with papa and me and papa say I listen to her, yes."
Thanks a lot for making me sound like your dad's mistress, kid.

My best friend is getting married in December and has been explaining to her 5 year old daughter about the wedding. Along with learning what a step-daddy is and what marriage means she has been hearing what the flower girl does.
Well, apparently all A has gotten out of these discussions is that she and mommy will be dressed up like princesses and everyone will ooo and ahhhh over how pretty they are. So she has been inviting everyone from family members to random strangers in the grocery store to "Mine and mommy's wedding after Santa comes."
She also repeatedly asks me "Are you coming when me and mommy get married?"
Her mother told her that they were not the ones getting married, and A said "Oh. Are you coming when me and Z (little brother) get married?"

there are two kinds of bleach -- one is for cleaning and one "sucks out all your blood"

My three-year-old niece was visiting yesterday, and she was typing on the computer.
Me: "What are you doing?"
Her: "Writing a story."
Me: "I hope it's a good story."
Her: "It's not. It's about tubesocks."

Camille (7) was trying to call Naomi a "nincompoop." It came out "Ninja poop."

When my son was about 3, and he wanted to express his displeasure with something we'd done, he'd look at us with his angry parent face and tell us we were "very temporary"

Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

My nephew when he was four years old went swimming at the local pool with my husband, son and his father. They went into the men's locker room. There my nephew looked around in awe of all the naked men, after all he had never seen so many at one time before. He was especially fixated on one man right next to his father. He looked at his dad and asked, "Why is his penis sooooooo much bigger than yours daddy?" His dad, now beet red of course, answered, "God gives some men more than others, we are all different." My nephew then said, "I guess you didn't pray that much when you were a kid, did you dad?" With that everyone within earshot cracked up.

We were on our way to school yesterday and a commercial for Choctaw casino came on. They have a catchy song, "Everybody's going choctaw!" L said, "After kindergarten I want to go Choctaw."

One of the children at work has been learning new words this week. We were in her sister's room, changing the sheets on the bed, when she started yelling "Look! A cock! A cock!" With my eyes doing this I said "What's that?" and turned to see her, still yelling "A cock! A cock!" and waving the bedside table CLOCK at me.
I'm just glad she hasn't spotted any clocks out in public lately. Or at least, not when I'm taking her out.

We were at the zoo the other day and our son was insistent that "The puffins are architects!" My husband and I were very confused until we got to the penguins and he told us that "The penguins also live in the architect." Aha! Architect=Arctic.