Funny things kids say

Sean's eating his animal cookies and I hear the following:
Dad: "Hey, buddy, is that a bird?"
Sean: "No. It's a cookie."

3 year old: "Remote, please."
Me: "No, honey, you can't play with this."
3 year old: "Why not? I said please."

When I sit like this and wriggle, my crotch gets excited.

Jack was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

Yesterday:
Her: When I get older, I'm going to drive a car.
Me: Yep....
Today:
Her: Am I older today?
Me: Yep.....
Her: That means I can drive the car.

I was just making lunch, and my daughter was telling me that she wanted her mustard in the shape of a "y" today. Well, I kind of am at the end of the bottle, and it doesn't make for great spelling, and it ended up looking a bit like a polka-dotted "x" instead. She got all upset and clicked her tongue and said, "Someone doesn't listen too well today."

A friend of ours came over after Easter and my daughter runs up to him to show him her new pony that the bunny left her. She hands it over to him:
Him: Oh! Is this "My Little Pony"?
Her: No! It's my little pony!
And, she takes it back.

Walking across the bridge to feed the ducks, my son with an entire loaf of bread clutched under his arm: "The ducks need a sandwich."

My daughter was trying to explain what a veil is and how brides sometimes wear them. She said, "If I get married, I think I'll wear a funny hat!"

We came home really after the Canada Day fireworks and when we got home we noticed that our 5 year old son had left his car in the middle of the road so my husband jumped out and carried it into the carport. This is the conversation that my boys, aged 5 and 9, had about it:
Boy1(5)- Our dad is so strong! he's the strongest daddy ever! he can lift ANYTHING!
Boy2(9) - *in an unimpressed dull voice* If he was strong enough to lift anything he would be able to lift the minivan...
Boy1 - *pauses and thinks* Our daddy is sooo strong! He can lift small toy cars!

My nephew, who will be 5 in December, was laying in bed with his mother before bedtime. They were talking about his day, and how several of his friends approached him at school to tell him he was "cool". He proceeded to explain to her WHY he was cool: his spiked hair, his cool clothes, his super cool light up Superman shoes. But, apparently he has one flaw, because he told her: "My knees, however, are HIDEOUS."

My niece (who really is a sweet kid, but just does not take certain adults like me seriously) said to me at her birthday party "I didn't want you to come. I only wanted kids to come."

My cousin is 7. He is into anything computer or console game related. He's told us many times that he's going to be a game designer when he grows up.
Last weekend, he was snacking on various junk food items at my grandma's house during a birthday party. I teasingly said, "You know, you should really do yourself a favor and learn to eat healthy now, because when you're my age that stuff will catch up with you and you'll get fat."
He looked at me and in a very serious tone said, "If I'm working behind the scenes as a game designer, my appearance shouldn't matter."

We had this bug in the kitchen last week - a HUGE bug. I'm sure it was some kind of beetle, but what it really looked like was a giant cockroach. It had to be at least 1.5 inches long.
Daughter and I were afraid to kill it - can you imagine the crunch under a paper towel and the ensuing slime?
So I called up my son, age 15. He took a look, grabbed a paper towel and just tossed it on top of the creature. Obviously, that wasn't going to do the trick. I told him that a good son kills bugs for his mother.
He replied, "Real women aren't afraid of bugs."
Damn kid. I told him, "Touché!"

"I'm not one drop tired."

her: my zip is stuck
me: have you been pulling on it?
her: no, just trying to get it up
me: so have you been pulling on it?
her: no, just trying to get it up
me: so you've been pulling on it then
her: no, just trying to get it up
me: no really, have you been pulling on it?
her: yes
She came back to me about 5 minutes later with the same dress and the same problem and the same argument. And this was at about 6pm on a cold night, when she had no reason at all to be fiddling with the zip of a summer dress.

Her: "Mum, how old is Coco's grandpa?"
Me: "Not sure, he's in his 60s"
Her: "So why does he look like he's in his 80s!"
Me: ...
Her (before I can answer): "Mum, how old is Coco's nana?"
Me: "About the same age as little grandma"
Her: "Then why does she look so much worser!"
Me: ...
I told her it's because they smoke, and smoking makes you wrinkly. I'm sure she will go and tell this to Coco, who will then tell her nana, who will tell me. Argh.

Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond under a leaf, in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

Him (cheerfully, with arms spread wide to indicate multitudes): Mommy, you can have as many husbands as you want!
Me: Thanks, but I only want one. Your father.
Him: Mommy, a terrible marriage is a very, very bad thing.
Me: Yes, I suppose you're right about that.
Him: A terrible marriage has angry mobs with pitchforks. It's very scary!

My best friend in the world moved away a couple of days ago. Our kids have been friends for literally their entire lives. We were behind their Uhaul, heading home as they started their long journey. I was crying. My 15 year-old son was trying to console me, and I was like, "I know...it's just that she's the most important friend I've ever had. We had our babies together."
He said, "I thought you had your babies with Dad."