Funny things kids say

About 18 months ago, one of my twin sons was throwing a major tantrum, and I eventually got him into time out, before returning to the living room to my other son, who has been sitting quietly playing the angel the whole time. Upon seeing me - looking very frustrated and bothered - he pipes up with:
"Don't worry, Mum, it's not your fault. He has serious issues."

A long time ago, before I had children, I was minding Miss 3 from next door.
She was most interested when I was changing the sheets on our bed. She leaned close and whispered confidentially "did you wet the bed?"!!

"Mummy! Mummy! Hayden (brother) is playing in a puddle!!!"
"How did he get in there Charlie?"
"I pushed him"
"Why on earth did you do that?" (running to help)
"He wanted a bath" (Hayden is 1..)
"Charlie that's really naughty and when I get back you're sitting on the naughty step"(Supernanny trick)
"Im sorry daddy but he did an egg (a poo) and he smelled like Jordan at daycare...."

Ryan loves watermelon but a few months ago (now aged 4) he was arguing with his mother that he couldn't eat the seeds (white seeds in seedless watermelon) 'cos he'd have a baby in his belly and she was arguing that he wouldn't.
He came over to me and with a serious face asked, "Nanna, do babies come out of your belly button?" I looked at his Mum who smirked and looked away, his brother (aged 8) said, "they come out of your vagina" and Ryan ignored him. Ryan again said, "do they Nanna? Do they come out of your belly button?" Again I looked at his Mum who smirked and looked away and again Matthew said they come out of your vagina and again Ryan ignored him, so I ran with the conversation.
Me: No they don't come out your belly button. Matthew was right - they come out of a vagina.
Ryan: Do I have a vagina?
Me: No, boys don't have babies so they have doodles (family pet name for penis) and babies can't come out of doodles can they cos they're too skinny, so only girls have vaginas because they have babies.
Ryan: Where they do wee?
Me: Near there but not right there.
Ryan: (with a scrunched up face) Cos we don't want wee on the baby do we Nanna
Me: That's right
Ryan: And not out of your bum
Me: No, not out of your bum
Ryan (scrunching up his face) Cos we don't want a pooey baby do we Nanna?
Me: No, that's right.
Then he went and ate his watermelon - seeds 'n' all!

Matthew: Nanna, why haven't you got a husband?
Me: When you marry someone it's because you make each other happy and want to be together forever, but sometimes it doesn't work out and it's better to divorce and find new partners to be happy with. Grandpa used to be my husband, but we got divorced....
Matthew (butting in): Because you weren't happy together anymore?
Me: Right, and he married Helen, but I haven't found anyone new to be happy with yet.
Matthew: What about Data (Chilean grandfather)
Me: Well, when Data was a young man, when he was still in Chile, he was married but it didn't work out ..........
Matthew (butting in): Because they stopped being happy with each other?
Me: yes, but they were both young and probably made a mistake getting married so young. Anyway, then he married Weli (Chilean grandmother) and they were together for a while. They had a couple of kids - your Dad and Tia (Aunty) Paulina, but then things went bad for them....
Matthew (butting in): And they weren't happy anymore?
Me: Right, and Weli met Mario who she's still with and Data met a lady called Miriam.
Matthew (butting in):But I've never seen him with her.
Me: No, and she's gone back to Chile now.
Matthew: Did they break up too!
Me: Yes
Matthew: Geez, how many more women is Data going to make unhappy!

I was fixated on being environmentally responsible and went to Bunnings to buy the $89 a metre fake lawn. I was talking on the mobile trying to convince my husband that we had to have the better quality fake grass because toddlers would love it because it's much softer. I had three year old grand daughter with me and she looked up and down the aisle to check noone was watching, lifted her tshirt and pressed her bare belly onto the fake grass. She pulled away in disgust and said "Scwatchee Tizzy". Needless to say, we left the fake grass on the shelf.

Miss 5 just got really exasperated at me ... put her hands on her hips and declared ... "Mum, you're acting like a grown up!"
Um - what can one say?

Melanie asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

I was driving my 12 year old son home from school with the poodle in the car and I asked him if he had farted. He told me no and blamed the dog. We wound down the windows and the farting discussion continued along these llines -
Son: You can really tell a Casey fart (one of his friends).
Me: How?
Son: It is just easy to tell, but you have to have a good nose and good eyes to detect a fart at school.
Me: Why would you need good eyes?
Son: You can see their pants wobble.
I laughed so hard. What is it with boys and fart talk?

We had chicken fillets cut into pieces and cooked in sauce for dinner last night (Chicken Tonight style, if you are familiar with the brand). After dinner we were watching TV and there was an advert for KFC fillets, which comes with the "11 different herbs and spices" that I'm sure everyone knows.
My daughter piped up with "Mum, next time we have chicken fillets can we have the crispy ones not the slimy ones?"
So much for thinking I'd made a nice dinner.

"I'm watching the astro kitties!" says my daughter, as she sits down to watch Disney's Aristocats.

After church tonight, I made the children do the chores they should have done yesterday. Here's what Julia said, "Home is supposed to be where I relax." I told her she could relax when she had her own house.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

If you are surrounded by sea you are an island.
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

My eight-year-old son and i were shopping at the store. He had a package of Skittles that he was eating, and he kept dropping them on the floor. I tried not to notice as *cringe* he picked them back up and ate them. But when he dropped a whole bunch on the ground and started to pick them all up, I asked, "Don't you think that's gross? There's germs all over those!" He answered thoughtfully, "Yeah..but you can't really taste them."

I went to pick up my 3 year old at my mothers house one day, and on the way home I asked him if he used the toilet. When he replied, yes, I asked #1 or #2. He answered, "I think #5, I went a lot!"

This morning my 3yr old son and I ran into the store.
He said,"Mom, it sure is windy out."
I said, "Why , yes it is."
He said," I sure am going to miss you when the wind blows me away."

Steven hugged and kissed his Mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

One day last year I was picking my son up from school and he told me that his belly didn't feel that well during the day and that he had been sent to the office. He then told me that the school secretary/nurse had given him sardines and he felt much better.
I asked him "sardines, are you sure?"
"Yes, Mommy the white crackers they really helped!"
I couldn't stop laughing... I said "Nol, those are SALTINES not sardines."