Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
Doctor: oh, pull yourself together.

Patient:Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pack of playing cards.
Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snooker ball.
Doctor: Please get to the end of the cue.

Patient: Doctor Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me!
Doctor: next!

Patient: Doctor Doctor the invisible man is in the waiting room
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.

Person A: "Did you take a bath?"
Person B: "Why, is one missing?"

(For people in the UK/AU)
Q. Why can't a car play football?
A. Because it only has one boot!

Q: What did the man who lost his left side say?

A: Im all right now!

Q: How do you make a footballer feel cold?

A: Stand close to the fans