Funny things kids say

My son was in his room the other day, being quiet. I asked him what he was doing, and he calls out "playing with my penis."
Wasn't quite sure how to respond to that one, so I thought I'd try to distract him and asked if he wanted to do something with me.
He says "Sure. Do you want to play with my penis?"

When my son was almost two and in the middle of potty training, we were in line at a store one day. He was used to us asking him if he had to go potty all the time, so he tried it out on me. When we were in the middle of the line, he grabbed the top of my jeans, tried to look down my underwear, and loudly asked, "Mommy, you need to poop?" Yes, it was quite embarrassing!

We were in the car a few weeks ago and my son, who's almost 2, said "Shut up, Daddy". When I told him that wasn't a very nice way to talk to his daddy he said "Shut up, Daddy, please". At least I should be happy that he has manners!

One day last year I was picking my son up from school and he told me that his belly didn't feel that well during the day and that he had been sent to the office. He then told me that the school secretary/nurse had given him sardines and he felt much better.
I asked him "sardines, are you sure?"
"Yes, Mommy the white crackers they really helped!"
I couldn't stop laughing... I said "Nol, those are SALTINES not sardines."
I figured I better tell him the difference so he didn't grow up thinking that sardines settled an upset stomach...

One day when my children were all small I gave them some raisin bran for breakfast and while they ate I did some household chores. When they finished they went outside to play and I cleaned up the dishes. While washing up I realized it had become too quiet. So I went to check on them. As I started to go around back of the house. I heard my oldest son say, "Sh! We want to surprise mom, we are going to plant all our raisins we saved, and they will grow raisin trees". I slipped back in the house so as not to disappoint them and called my husband at work. That night while the kids were taking baths he saw where they had with big hope planted their raisins and put in some cherry seeds. They were so excited when those plants came up to show me their "raisin trees"

My son bragged to his entire preschool class and his teacher, "MY daddy can go potty standing up!"

My son Ray was about four and he had been around his uncles listening to some strong swear words. So he began to pick up on them. My mom told him "Ray, I don't want you to say 'dammit' again, do you understand me?" "Yes ma'am." he said. "If you do", she told him "I am going to wash your mouth out with soap". The next day he came back and took out of his pocket a small bar of soap he had snuck out of our bathroom. She asked him, "What's that for?" He looked her straight in the eye and said, "In case I say 'dammit' again".

One early morning drive to school, my son asked me "Why do dogs have tails?". It was way too early for me, so I said, "Why do YOU think they have tails?" Several minutes later he replied: "I think God wanted a way for dogs to laugh".

My daughter turned 3 on Saturday, so much of the conversation at our house has been about what a big girl she is now.
As I was getting her dressed for preschool, she looked up at me and asked:
"Mommy, now that I'm a big girl, am I going to get a bra like you?" It was all I could do to keep a straight face. I explained that bras are for really, really big girls, like mommies.
Her response: "Why doesn't daddy have a bra?"
I couldn't resist the giggle, but I tried really hard to explain in simple terms that daddies don't have breasts and don't need them.
At which point, she said, "I have breasts, and that's why Santa's going to bring me a bra."
Not worth arguing about that with a 3-year-old. I just hope she forgets about it by the time Christmas rolls around.

My daughter asked "Is Christmas for celebrating baby Jesus?" to which I replied "yes". She screwed up her nose and said "but he's DEAD"

I had gone back into see the doctor for my six week check up after having my third child. My mom came with me and stayed out in the waiting room with my two oldest sons.
The doctors office was small and the walls not very thick. You could often hear parts of conversation if someone spoke loudly enough. After examining my six week old baby I took him out to my mom and returned back to the exam room for my own check up. My 5 year old son began to question my mom as to why I went back in the room again. My mom told him quietly to hush and it was none of his buisness. Not leaving it alone he again asked why I went in and had not yet come out. He had got a little louder, drawing attention to my mom and himself. My mom again told him to "sit down, look at a book and be quiet". Just as my doctor came in to the exam room to check on me. We could hear my son's loud pitched voice very clearly ask. "Did she go in there to get PREGNANT AGAIN"? and the instant roar of laughter by all the waiting patients that followed.

Her: What are you doing?
(I was looking for clean underwear in a laundry basket)
Me: Looking for underwear so I can take a shower, but can't seem to find any.
Her: Maybe Daddy is wearing them.

My now 10 year old granddaughter at the age of three found out about chewing gum and that she liked it. Whenever she thought you had gum she would ask "do you got gum? I want some". Of course she did not always get gum when she wanted it. One day while waiting in a hospital waiting room, we were watching her. A teenage boy came in chewing gum. She watched him for about 5 minutes then went up and stood right in front of him. He looked at her and said "hi", she said, "You got gum?" He had by then focused on a ball game on the t.v in the waiting room. She waited watching him clack his gum and chew it and when he did not reply, she said again, louder, "do you got gum?" Concentrating on the ball game he ignored her.
Before I realized what she was doing, She climbed up in a chair and put her nose right to his and said, "I SAID, Do YOU GOT GUM, I want some NOW!" The poor kid gulped, swallowed his gum and red faced, said "Nope I don't have gum". She said, "Open your mouth and let me see". He complied. She then climbed down. And hands on hips said, "I know you had gum, you swallowed it and you're a liar. Now God is going to make that gum stick your guts together". Then she stomped off while everyone laughed that was in the waiting room and I took her out for her rude behavior to admonish her.

Sunday as I was telling my daughter that when we get home she has to lay out her uniform for school the next day and pack her lunch. She grumbled about how she hates school and can hardly wait until she is a mom and can surf the internet all day. I thought I was going to pee my pants laughing.

My son in law and daughter have 4 girls and last spring she explained to her 10 old daughter the process of a woman's body and menses. The seven year old didn't want to be left out wanted to hear it too. So she told them what they needed to know.
Later that week while trying to explain to his 10 year old daughter the difference between an exclamation point and a period. The seven year old piped up and to his horror. Said, "NO dad that is not what a period is at all". "Don't you know, it is when a woman has a menses and that is how you and mom got babies". She proceeded to explain to him in perfect word for word detail the reproductive process of the woman's body. With that my son in law threw his hands in the air and said, "I am surrounded by 5 females, I give up".

16 months old, and talking really well (full sentences). I was changing her diaper and she noticed a yarn toy on her changing table between her legs. She grabbed it and said "I have a tail." I told her that people don't have tails. She said "Daddy has a tail." At that time I didn't think much about it, till she caught my hubby getting out of the shower and she said (pointing to my husband's privates) - "Mommy, see there's Daddy's tail!"
I let her think that until my nephew was over about four months later and said "Look what I have!" She was like "why don't I have a tail!!"
I eventually told her the penis and vagina terms.

I came in to check on my kids eating dinner. Had told them they had to eat their veggies. The son I knew would not comply was missing his plate. I checked the garbage and sink. He piped up at that time, worried, and said "Don't check the closet ok mom?"

My 9 year old niece lost her tooth last week, but in her house the toothfairy stops once you reach nine. So she said to her mum 'what should I do with it' Her little sister answered 'Give it to me, I'll put it under my pillow!!' She's 7.

I was getting out of the shower and my 4 year old son asked me what is that. I told him what he was pointing was my nipple. His sister promptly came in and said, I have nipples too (she's two). Her brother said, "you both have nipples but none of you have a penis so I win! HAHAHAHAHA"

I'm pregnant with my second baby. My son is four and my friends daughter will be five next month. They were talking about how the baby comes out and my son asked me how they came out. I told him and he said that Hanna told him that when it's time the girl has to push really hard on her knees and then the baby will come out. I thought that was pretty well thought out considering when you watch something on TV like a baby story they usually show the women holding her knees up and that could totally come across as pushing on the knees.