Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.

You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Blind dogs

Do blind dogs have people to show them where to go?

Serious issues

About 18 months ago, one of my twin sons was throwing a major tantrum, and I eventually got him into time out, before returning to the living room to my other son, who has been sitting quietly playing the angel the whole time. Upon seeing me - looking very frustrated and bothered - he pipes up with:
"Don't worry, Mum, it's not your fault. He has serious issues."

Wet the bed

A long time ago, before I had children, I was minding Miss 3 from next door.
She was most interested when I was changing the sheets on our bed. She leaned close and whispered confidentially "did you wet the bed?"!!


"Mummy! Mummy! Hayden (brother) is playing in a puddle!!!"
"How did he get in there Charlie?"
"I pushed him"
"Why on earth did you do that?" (running to help)
"He wanted a bath" (Hayden is 1..)
"Charlie that's really naughty and when I get back you're sitting on the naughty step"(Supernanny trick)
"Im sorry daddy but he did an egg (a poo) and he smelled like Jordan at daycare...."

Watermelon baby

Ryan loves watermelon but a few months ago (now aged 4) he was arguing with his mother that he couldn't eat the seeds (white seeds in seedless watermelon) 'cos he'd have a baby in his belly and she was arguing that he wouldn't.
He came over to me and with a serious face asked, "Nanna, do babies come out of your belly button?" I looked at his Mum who smirked and looked away, his brother (aged 8) said, "they come out of your vagina" and Ryan ignored him. Ryan again said, "do they Nanna? Do they come out of your belly button?" Again I looked at his Mum who smirked and looked away and again Matthew said they come out of your vagina and again Ryan ignored him, so I ran with the conversation.
Me: No they don't come out your belly button. Matthew was right - they come out of a vagina.
Ryan: Do I have a vagina?
Me: No, boys don't have babies so they have doodles (family pet name for penis) and babies can't come out of doodles can they cos they're too skinny, so only girls have vaginas because they have babies.
Ryan: Where they do wee?
Me: Near there but not right there.
Ryan: (with a scrunched up face) Cos we don't want wee on the baby do we Nanna
Me: That's right
Ryan: And not out of your bum
Me: No, not out of your bum
Ryan (scrunching up his face) Cos we don't want a pooey baby do we Nanna?
Me: No, that's right.
Then he went and ate his watermelon - seeds 'n' all!

Unhappy papa

Matthew: Nanna, why haven't you got a husband?
Me: When you marry someone it's because you make each other happy and want to be together forever, but sometimes it doesn't work out and it's better to divorce and find new partners to be happy with. Grandpa used to be my husband, but we got divorced....
Matthew (butting in): Because you weren't happy together anymore?
Me: Right, and he married Helen, but I haven't found anyone new to be happy with yet.
Matthew: What about Data (Chilean grandfather)
Me: Well, when Data was a young man, when he was still in Chile, he was married but it didn't work out ..........
Matthew (butting in): Because they stopped being happy with each other?
Me: yes, but they were both young and probably made a mistake getting married so young. Anyway, then he married Weli (Chilean grandmother) and they were together for a while. They had a couple of kids - your Dad and Tia (Aunty) Paulina, but then things went bad for them....
Matthew (butting in): And they weren't happy anymore?
Me: Right, and Weli met Mario who she's still with and Data met a lady called Miriam.
Matthew (butting in):But I've never seen him with her.
Me: No, and she's gone back to Chile now.
Matthew: Did they break up too!
Me: Yes
Matthew: Geez, how many more women is Data going to make unhappy!

Locked tummy

my 4 y/o son said the funniest thing ever.. 1 day i was doing our lunch dishes.and he came up 2 me & said this... mom,u love all 5 of us kids ? and i said i sure do,then he said i am ur last baby boy huh?! i said yes u r my last baby son & then he said that my baby sister is ur last baby daughter ? then again i said yes!! the he said mom,i know Y u can not have any more babies is b.cuz "GOD LOCKED UP UR TUMMY SO NO MORE BABIES ;-)" i will tell him in about 10-15 yrs.from now what he said to me...i've told a lot of ppl this & they think its so very cute...


My daughter was drawing some pictures in Paint. I could hear her and my partner.
Him: No, press save. Save saves, cancel doesn't.
Her: But I've done it before and cancel saves!
Him: Just press save.
Her: awwwww, but but ...

Chocolate starfish

Eating milky way stars, 2 year old son:
"Mummy, I like chocolate starfish".