Funny things kids say

Here is the full list of funny quotes. These sayings come from the kids at my local school, reader submissions and aggregated from all over the Internet. I'm hoping to make this one of the largest collections of funny kid's sayings around.


You can also add your own sayings, or view 5 random funny quotes!

Scratchy grass

I was fixated on being environmentally responsible and went to Bunnings to buy the $89 a metre fake lawn. I was talking on the mobile trying to convince my husband that we had to have the better quality fake grass because toddlers would love it because it's much softer. I had three year old grand daughter with me and she looked up and down the aisle to check noone was watching, lifted her tshirt and pressed her bare belly onto the fake grass. She pulled away in disgust and said "Scwatchee Tizzy". Needless to say, we left the fake grass on the shelf.

What will I do with you, Mum?

My sister had the flu, and went outside to check on 3 year old Alec (her little'un) pottering in the garden with his grandmother. Alec looks at my sis in shock and goes "Mummy! you're to go inside. You're NOT to come outside, you'll get sick and throw up, and then what will I do with you? GO INSIDE NOW". and he points. and frowns.

Old and fat

Just the other day, my daughter's best friend asked me, "Why are you so fat? Is it because you love ice cream?" My daughter answered for me: "No, she's so fat because she's so old."

Stupid cat

The cat was sitting on top of a bench and I patted her as I walked past. The cat reared up to smooch my hand, lost her footing, and almost fell off the bench. My daughter called out "Mum! The cat has lost her cleverness!"

I feel loved.

Two months ago I spent a fortnight in Melbourne with friends, and their 4 year old daughter instantly latched onto me. Just recently while shopping, and with no provocation, she loudly announced to the store.
"I LOVE SHOES I LOVE THE BAKERY I MISS DANA!"

Blind dogs

Do blind dogs have people to show them where to go?

Serious issues

About 18 months ago, one of my twin sons was throwing a major tantrum, and I eventually got him into time out, before returning to the living room to my other son, who has been sitting quietly playing the angel the whole time. Upon seeing me - looking very frustrated and bothered - he pipes up with:
"Don't worry, Mum, it's not your fault. He has serious issues."

Wet the bed

A long time ago, before I had children, I was minding Miss 3 from next door.
She was most interested when I was changing the sheets on our bed. She leaned close and whispered confidentially "did you wet the bed?"!!

Puddles

"Mummy! Mummy! Hayden (brother) is playing in a puddle!!!"
"How did he get in there Charlie?"
"I pushed him"
"Why on earth did you do that?" (running to help)
"He wanted a bath" (Hayden is 1..)
"Charlie that's really naughty and when I get back you're sitting on the naughty step"(Supernanny trick)
"Im sorry daddy but he did an egg (a poo) and he smelled like Jordan at daycare...."

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You can also view 5 random quotes or the full list.